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Entry tags:
Halfway Gone | J2 | NC-17 (Domestic Dreams verse)
Title: Halfway Gone
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Words: 4500
Warnings: escort!Jensen, references to Jensen/OMCs
Summary: Jensen is a high-priced escort willing to do near about anything for Jared, the businessman who is supposed to be just another client.
Notes: Written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
smpc. Thanks to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
gluedwithgold for the beta! Title from James Bay's Need the Sun to Break
Read on AO3
“Do you ever think about going out?”
Jensen’s fingers soften where they’re running along Jared’s, palms held loose between them. He blinks at the pale ceiling, even with the lights off and the drapes pulled tight, leaving him little to actually see in the bedroom.
The question rolls around in his head and before he can think up the proper response, Jared sniffs in the great silence. A sign that he regrets asking.
Closing his eyes, Jensen hums and runs his fingers along Jared’s again, keeping the languid pace of the post-sex calm. Their bodies are still hot and sweaty, blankets and sheets ruffled around their feet, and while Jensen had wanted to go for a shower to clean up, this is nice, too.
“You mean like a date?” Jensen finally responds, doing his best to keep his voice light and open to the idea.
“No, not a … I just,” Jared rushes to get those few words out then stalls. “Like, outside. Get out of the hotel room, I mean.”
He smiles a little, licks his lips. Plenty of other clients want to have Jensen at their side when running around town, wining and dining in the hottest places. With Jared, everything has been different, and they’ve been stowing themselves away for over a year now.
Getting out of the stuffy suite, it’s not a terrible idea. Jensen’s been thinking on it for a few months now, if he was totally honest.
Too bad he can’t be, all in the name of protecting himself, so he lets his mind drift off to the vision of Jared’s tan skin shining under the sun, his eyes bright and smile sparkling in the daylight. Instead, they’ve got the shadows of this room and Jared’s life, darkness circling Jared’s eyes when he’s especially stressed and bone-dry tired.
Jensen thinks it’s not so bad this way, though. There isn’t much he won’t do to make sure he’s available for every moment Jared has when he’s here out East, because he can’t help himself, really. Tells himself it’s high-quality client service (and Jared continues to be one of his best pays), and he ignores that there’s more to it than that.
“If that’s allowed,” Jared murmurs, bringing his question back to the surface. Except his voice is tense, the set of jaw, too.
Jensen rolls his head on the pillow to look at him. “It’s allowed,” he says quietly to maintain the quiet of their conversation. He squeezes Jared’s hand, willing him to look over so they can share a small smile. “I just didn’t think you ever wanted to.”
The way Jared whispers I do hits Jensen deep in the chest. As if he wasn’t used to that dropped-gut emotion whenever this close to Jared’s heart, but here he is. Still shocked by the power of Jared’s few words.
Truth be told, Jensen always assumed Jared needed to hide away with his secrets … of his sexuality, of Jensen, and of their time together. And Jensen still does think so, yet the way Jared’s eyes gleam with hope tells Jensen more than he’d figured.
“Where do you want to go?” Jensen asks, a tiny bit of giddiness bubbling to the surface, making his cheeks strain with his barely-repressed smile.
“Anywhere,” Jared replies with the same excitement bursting through his awkward chuckle. “I’m just tired of being stuck inside, you know?” He turns his head back to look at the ceiling and Jensen can see the immediate switch from joyful daydreaming to tense realities in the lines of his face. “I spend half a day flying here, hours on end in conference rooms, then we’re locked up in here.” His mouth twitches for a moment and his thumb rubs over the top of Jensen’s hand. “Not that I mind it. The last part, I mean. I don’t mind being here with you.”
“I sure hope not,” Jensen replies, lightness coloring his joke.
Jared tucks his fingers tighter to Jensen’s and huffs a laugh. “Yeah, of course. Definitely don’t mind this.” Then he clears his throat, like he’s clearing a path through his conscience to speak honestly. “I just wish I could have more. Could be more. Out there. You know?”
Jensen can’t stop watching him as the words hit deep in his chest, even when Jared’s back to staring above and he only gets his profile in view. The slope of his nose, tiny dip between his lips, and the cut of his jaw are beauty to behold on their own. Put together for Jensen’s eyes only, in the stillness of their own quiet isolation, it’s a stunning mirage Jensen will run for in the driest of deserts, even when he knows the truth just beyond it.
The truth is that Jared Padalecki is seeking out the real thing and Jensen is incapable of fully giving it to him.
Doesn’t mean he won’t try …
*
On Jared’s next trip, Jensen waits for him in the lobby of the hotel. In messages leading up to this evening, Jared had talked about bringing an extra change of clothes for dinner. He even joked that he may need another checked bag, then went on to suggest something casual and easy, insisting he wasn’t trying to make it more than what he wanted: a simple night out.
Still, Jensen fusses with the edges of his button up, shirt tails hanging below his leather jacket, which feels heavy and hot indoors. Even though he’s surely worn this outfit a hundred times before, there’s something different hanging in the air as he waits. Like a teenager expecting his prom date to descend the stairs in their formal best, Jensen can’t stop fidgeting on the leather bench in the lobby waiting area, impatiently waiting for Jared. Every time the elevator dings, just out of sight with a simple torture of hell, Jensen looks over and he hates to know he’s counted at least a dozen people coming and going before Jared finally appears.
Jensen swallows thickly and immediately rises to his feet, pulling at his shirt and jacket again before shoving his hands into his pants pockets to stop from yanking at every edge of his outfit. He puts on a smile for Jared’s approach, easy and calm on the outside even when his heart hammers against his rib cage at the sight of Jared in a soft sweater and slim-cut jeans.
Their first meeting flashes in Jensen’s head. Jared had been exhausted in his rumpled shirt, nothing like the sight he makes now with gentle waves of his hair pushed behind his ears and a casual cool outfit, but Jensen thinks about the flurry of excitement he felt when he first laid eyes on this tall drink of water. If only they’d met any other place, looking just as they do now, Jensen thinks the last fourteen months would have been very different for the both of them.
It’s been so long since that kind of spark energized him and not for the first time, or the tenth, he regrets how that evening had gone down with Jared learning about Jensen’s side job.
“Hi,” Jared says on a breathy sigh, pulling Jensen from that night so long ago. Long before Jensen knew so much about Jared and found himself wanting to tug at every bit of emotion inside the man. “Sorry, I’m late. Our meeting ran long.”
Jensen nods, at a loss for what else to do, because his fingers are curling in his pockets with the want to slip forward and touch. He tells himself it’s to serve Jared and make this the grand event of date night, but he knows Jared is already scared as hell to be out in the open like this.
Somehow, Jensen is, too. It’s less about being present and more about feeling his chest crack open with need to let everything spill out, to lay himself out there for Jared. There’s great pain in the thought that he won’t, can’t, yet he knows it’s all that Jared would need to ease his own tension every day.
“Is everything okay?” Jared asks, pressing a hand to his stomach.
Jensen can see Jared’s fingers nervously digging into the fabric and, without thinking, reaches forward to pull the hand away and hold it with a reassuring squeeze. “Everything is great.” He nods to himself and takes a deep breath. “You look great.”
Jared flushes a bit, glancing away and biting the inside of his cheek, while clutching at Jensen’s fingers. “You, too. Like always.”
Looking for quick relief from the gravity between them, Jensen jokes, “I bet you say that to all the girls.”
There’s a sudden burst of energy around them as a group of folks pass them to check in at the front desk, all chattering and taking in the grand opulence of the bright lobby. Jared immediately drops Jensen’s hand and rubs over the sides of his legs. “Okay, well, I dunno about you, but I’m hungry.”
“Starving,” Jensen insists with a chuckle. He tucks away the nerves, along with the bright heat brewing beneath the surface, and turns up his persona to ease them into a simple night of dinner a few blocks over. “I could go for some red meat, how about you?”
“Always up for meat,” Jared laughs as they head out the front door. “I mean, not like that, but yeah. I’ve been daydreaming about steak and potatoes all day.”
“A man after my own heart.” Jensen smirks and steps in alongside Jared when they turn right and take in the cool night air.
The way Jared tips his head up towards the sky and breathes deep tells Jensen that Jared needed this escape, the necessary chance to shake off the strain of shoulders held rigid for days on end, maybe weeks, really, since they last saw each other. Jared glances over and his face is pink from the crisp air and his eyes are wide and brilliant, like he’s high on the possibilities ahead of them. “Thanks for setting this up. I’ve just been so busy, I haven’t had a chance to think about it much.”
“Of course. And I’ve heard only good things from this steakhouse, so it’s a bonus for me, too,” Jensen insists warmly, a hand going to Jared’s back and soothing circles between his shoulders.
Jared seems to flinch at the touch, muscles tightening, until he lightly coughs and sucks in a long, deep breath. “Sorry,” he murmurs.
Jensen holds both hands up in apology. “No sorry needed. I’ll just follow your lead.”
With a quick nod, Jared thanks him and now seems like he’s shrinking back into himself with worry of being away from the safety of the hotel suite. He’s quiet, too, for the next block, eyebrows furrowing and mouth pinched. Suddenly, he looks up and down both sides of the street, slowing his feet, and clearing his throat.
Jensen’s quick to offer, “Hey, if you want to head back,“ only to be cut off when Jared pulls on his elbow so they both escape into an alley.
They’re just a few feet in from the sidewalk, but it must be enough for Jared because he has no delay in bringing Jensen against the brick of the adjacent building, holding Jensen’s face, and sliding in for a kiss.
The moment freezes for Jensen, his mind slow to respond as the surprise ices his veins. Then Jared’s hard body pressed up against his heats everything again and he reaches up to hold Jared’s arms, fingers creeping up to curl around the bend of Jared’s shoulders as he opens his mouth to all that Jared wants to take from him.
It’s heady and quick as Jared dives into Jensen’s mouth and kisses deeply, wet noises echoing in the quiet of the alley. Then it’s over just as soon as it started when Jared pushes himself away, breathing so hard his chest is rising and falling with great effort.
“I’m sorry,” Jared mumbles. He smooths hair away from his face and refuses to look Jensen in the eye.
Jensen pushes off from the wall, stalling when Jared takes a few steps back. “Hey, I told you. There’s no sorry here.” After a beat, he adds, “Especially when I like it.”
Jared licks his bottom lip and turns away with a tight smile. “I just feel so …” His hands come up in tight fists and he sucks in a harsh breath. “Like I just want to break out or something, but it’s all so …”
“It’s okay, I get it,” Jensen offers, because he can read it so clearly in the tight, anxious lines of Jared’s face.
“Do you, though?” Jared looks right at him, eyes no longer bright and open. Now he just appears withdrawn and sad, a look Jensen has seen on a few occasions when Jared is particularly tense about his life and hiding away in the hotel. “You get to go do anything you want with no repercussions. You just go through the motions and get to live your life however you want.”
It stings to think Jared doesn’t recognize the kind of mental Olympics Jensen runs through to be able to do what he does with who he does. Let alone with Jared, where his own emotions creep up, just waiting to escape. Sure, he can compartmentalize his two jobs and stay detached from all the other men he serves, but there are more obstacles to overcome to keep this (mostly) professional between them.
Jensen shakes his head and tries to get back on point, wrenching out of these spiraling sensations. For Jared, and himself. “We can just go back to the hotel if that will-“
“No!” Jared nearly shouts. He holds still and puts his arms out at his sides, breathing heavily, likely trying to steady himself. “No, that wasn’t the point of all this stress. Why get all worked up then not even go? I just have to get my shit together,” he complains, ending with a high laugh, as if he’s about to turn absolutely delirious with how upset he’s become.
Nodding, Jensen grants him the time and space to settle down. Thankfully, it doesn’t take long until Jared quickly runs hands through his hair and marches out of the alley with Jensen hurrying to catch up.
“Just gotta go, right?” Jared mumbles. “Once we’re there, it’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.”
Jensen nods again in an attempt to comfort Jared, and it seems to work. For a few seconds, at least, until they reach the entrance to the restaurant and Jared freezes in place. Jensen glances between Jared and the door, where a handful of businessmen are heading in, then suddenly stopping with one of them calling out, “Hey, Padalecki! Change your mind for dinner?”
Five sets of eyes turn to them and Jensen clenches his jaw against the onslaught of fear in Jared’s frozen face and his inability to react. Jensen, too, is immobile as these guys, obviously Jared’s coworkers, all start working their magic on Jared.
“Come on in, Jared. We’ll get you in on our reservation.”
“Yeah, you never come eat with us anymore!”
“Work can wait until later. There’s always later.”
“Unless you’ve got other dinner plans.”
“Who’s your friend?”
They’re laughing and ribbing Jared, and suddenly aware of Jensen’s presence, closely watching the both of them. Jared barely moves except to glance at Jensen with his jaw stiff and eyes narrowed.
Jensen, drumming up all the professionalism of being a discreet escort, manages to smile easily and offer them a quick wave. “We go way back. College buddies.”
That seems to placate them and they’re suddenly happy to hear more, rattling on about how they know next to nothing about Jared, he’s just so private, ya know?, let alone that he had family out this way, and how amazing to have this kind of convenience so that Jared can visit them when he’s in town on a regular basis.
Jared continues to be motionless, petrified in place like a tree that’s been rooted in the ground for decades. Jensen’s heart breaks at the sight, but does his best to school his reactions into something more reasonable and nod with the guys offering to make room for the both of them tonight. “That’s really kind of you-“
“No big deal!” one persists, gesturing into the door he’s pulling open. “Any friend of Jared is a friend of ours.”
Jensen chuckles, trying like hell to keep the awkwardness out of it, then waves them off. “Wish we could but we’re meeting my fiancée for dinner.” He hopes the casual mention of fiancée turns the men away from any other suspicions. Continuing to sell it, he motions beyond them and sees the bright lights of a restaurant further down the block. “She loves Italian,” he jokes, “but hates when I’m late. Maybe next time.” Then he nods at Jared, who suddenly has the will to move and offers a strained apology with their exit.
They’re completely silent as they head towards the red, white, and green marquee ahead and continue to remain quiet as Jared passes it to take the next quick turn and head right back to the hotel.
*
Back in the suite, Jensen pours them drinks as Jared heads into the bedroom without a word. He takes a healthy sip of his own and waits, somehow not surprised that he’s stuck in place for a bit.
After some time, he calls for Jared and slowly makes his way to the bedroom. That’s when he hears the rush of water start up in the shower and he drains the rest of his drink before going back to the kitchenette to pour another.
Once in the bathroom, Jensen sets both glasses on the sink and watches Jared on the other side of the foggy shower glass. His stomach sinks at the defeat in Jared’s shoulders as the shower pours over Jared’s head and neck, elbows coming up to rest on the tile and his head falling forward to the cross of his wrists.
Jensen has long admired the tight lines of Jared’s body, the curve and bend of muscles on display when he’s stark naked in bed, and how much strength he must carry in each limb. Now, however, that tall frame shrinks into itself as Jared leans on the wall with agonizing defeat.
They were so close, just a few footsteps away from granting Jared joy for the evening. Jensen’s kicking himself for not taking them further from the hotel, for not considering the need to be as far away as possible from anything tied to Jared’s life. At the same time, he feels himself drawn to Jared, wanting to be as close as possible with care and comfort, so he undresses and steps into the shower behind Jared.
Now that they’re cocooned in their safe space of the hotel suite, he reaches up to touch, palms drawing down Jared’s back, along his sides, and up his stomach and chest. Jensen leans into him and sets his forehead to the curve of Jared’s back, feels the warm water pour down their bodies. He kisses between Jared’s shoulder blades and drags his lips down Jared’s spine before moving right back up and pressing himself against Jared’s back.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen whispers, needing to say it, yet afraid to break the quiet thickness between them.
“No need for sorry,” Jared replies, repeating Jensen’s earlier words.
It should alleviate the situation, but it doesn’t, because Jensen can’t stop the force of guilt and responsibility for Jared’s feelings tonight. Their brief time in that alley was enough to show that Jared was far too worked up about being seen in public together, not to mention how quickly he froze when they ran into his coworkers and had been unable to work his way out of it without Jensen’s quick thinking.
As if he’s reliving that exact moment, Jared sighs and asks, “You have to do that a lot? Talk your way out of being spotted with a client?”
Jensen knows Jared hates hearing about what happens all the other days of his month. As much as he’d hate to ignore Jared, especially when he’s this tore up, there’s no way Jensen will add more salt to his wounds. Instead, he leaves an open-mouthed kiss on Jared’s shoulder and keeps his mouth there, feeling the tremble of Jared’s skin under the heat of the shower.
“You were smooth about it.” Jared laughs cruelly. “Fiancée … almost shocked me as much as …”
He nods against Jared’s shoulder and holds tighter around his chest.
Jared brings a hand down to hold over Jensen’s, pressing it against him. His voice is gravel rough when he admits, “I can’t do that again.”
Jensen again kisses his skin. “We have everything we need here,” comes out of his mouth before he can consider just how true those words are.
Threading their fingers together, Jared trails Jensen’s hand down and around his dick. In contrast to the tightness of Jared’s strained muscles, it’s limp in Jensen’s hold, but he’s determined to change that as he squeezes and pulls their hands to the tip. Jensen closes his eyes and rests his forehead to the center of Jared’s back as he strokes Jared’s cock. He listens to the catch of Jared’s breathy noises and tugs faster, feeling Jared growing harder and his hips shallowly rocking into Jensen’s fist.
Jared pants against the shower wall when Jensen fists him around the base and reaches down with his other hand to finger at his balls. He gets a few more tugs going before Jared stands up straight and pulls Jensen’s hand away. His eyes are wild and dark when he turns around to face him, shuts off the water, then leads them both to bed.
They make a wet mess of the blankets when Jared stretches him out face down and gets to work with lube and deft fingers to press inside Jensen. He’s still panting as he reaches deep and presses a second finger in, while leaning in to mouth along Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen hitches his hips back in time with Jared’s fingers, moans and writhes on the sheets, but it’s not a show. He feels it all deep in his gut when Jared breathlessly kisses at his neck and urges his fingers in and out with slow, steady strokes. Jensen brings his hand up to the back of Jared’s head, fingers twirling around strands of hair to keep Jared close, and he’s whimpering and biting his lips as Jared gets a third finger in and holds steady.
Jared kisses his way up to Jensen’s ear and cheek, finally twisting his way over to take Jensen’s mouth in a deep and heady kiss with his fingers still pushed in tight. “Are you ready?” he whispers, and Jensen smiles against his lips.
“Always, for you,” Jensen returns as quietly. He holds his breath as Jared withdraws his fingers and the crackling of the condom wrapper echoes loudly.
Then Jared lines up with the head of his cock stretching Jensen wide. His arm covers Jensen’s, fingers curling together in the sheets, and he slides further in, inch by inch, until Jensen’s jaw clenches and he groans from deep in his chest with his body spreading for Jared. Jared slides his other arm beneath Jensen and holds him tight just before pulling back and sliding back in.
Jensen is kept in place with Jared blanketing him, squeezing tight around him, and he lets himself melt into the bed as Jared fucks him. Over the months, there have been plenty of variances in what they do and how, but there’s something different here with Jared’s embrace and the deliberate way he slides in and out, like he’s taking his time yet can’t hold back the intensity of his hips snapping forward when he bottoms out. Jensen feels it when Jared’s body pushes against him and holds deep, when Jared’s fingers twist with his, and when Jared presses his temple to Jensen’s and pants hot and wet against his cheek.
And he can feel the way Jared’s hips stutter every so often before he slows down and finds the rhythm again. Jensen finds himself doing all he can to fuck himself back on Jared’s cock and give as good as he’s getting, to fall into the urging lust breaking all around them. He thinks maybe this is a little like love, to be tied up together so closely and need to have Jared sense it as deeply as Jensen does.
Jared must, because he begins to moan dark and pained as he shoves harder into Jensen and tucks his head against Jensen’s neck. Feeding off Jared’s needy sounds, Jensen stretches his legs wider so Jared can settle in tighter and fuck his way right through his orgasm while tucked as close as he needs.
Once Jared has his wits about him, he slides out and turns them to their sides, getting his hand on Jensen’s cock. He pulls quick and dirty, but Jensen doesn’t mind because he’s been dying to be touched since they got into bed. Again, Jensen lets himself be wrapped up in Jared’s embrace as Jared jacks him off, his warm breath in Jensen’s ear egging him on to come. With Jared’s quickening hand, Jensen’s getting close as his blood runs hot and quick through his body. Sweat breaks out on his skin and his stomach tightens with the pressure, then he’s shaking as he comes, shouting with his mouth dropped wide and Jared fisting him through it.
Jensen’s the one panting heavy and broken now and Jared settles in behind him with his palm running up the center of Jensen’s chest. Jared pulls him in tight and Jensen goes with it, being tucked into Jared’s arms.
Just as Jensen’s eyes are dropping closed, Jared chances to ask, “Can you stay?”
It’s a known question for the two of them, and no matter the pain of having a day job to answer for in the morning, Jensen always finds himself answering, “Yeah.”
There’s a long pause and Jared goes one step further. “Will you?”
Jensen opens his eyes for a moment, his breath catching as his mind races with what all to say. A million ways to say yes rush around until he simply repeats, “Yeah.”
Jared holds tighter and kisses the back of his head, and Jensen closes his eyes again.
I want to, he thinks, but the words die in the back of his throat.
Maybe one day, Jensen will say it. And maybe he’ll be able to stay for more than just the night.
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Words: 4500
Warnings: escort!Jensen, references to Jensen/OMCs
Summary: Jensen is a high-priced escort willing to do near about anything for Jared, the businessman who is supposed to be just another client.
Notes: Written for
smpc. Thanks to gluedwithgold for the beta! Title from James Bay's Need the Sun to BreakRead on AO3
“Do you ever think about going out?”
Jensen’s fingers soften where they’re running along Jared’s, palms held loose between them. He blinks at the pale ceiling, even with the lights off and the drapes pulled tight, leaving him little to actually see in the bedroom.
The question rolls around in his head and before he can think up the proper response, Jared sniffs in the great silence. A sign that he regrets asking.
Closing his eyes, Jensen hums and runs his fingers along Jared’s again, keeping the languid pace of the post-sex calm. Their bodies are still hot and sweaty, blankets and sheets ruffled around their feet, and while Jensen had wanted to go for a shower to clean up, this is nice, too.
“You mean like a date?” Jensen finally responds, doing his best to keep his voice light and open to the idea.
“No, not a … I just,” Jared rushes to get those few words out then stalls. “Like, outside. Get out of the hotel room, I mean.”
He smiles a little, licks his lips. Plenty of other clients want to have Jensen at their side when running around town, wining and dining in the hottest places. With Jared, everything has been different, and they’ve been stowing themselves away for over a year now.
Getting out of the stuffy suite, it’s not a terrible idea. Jensen’s been thinking on it for a few months now, if he was totally honest.
Too bad he can’t be, all in the name of protecting himself, so he lets his mind drift off to the vision of Jared’s tan skin shining under the sun, his eyes bright and smile sparkling in the daylight. Instead, they’ve got the shadows of this room and Jared’s life, darkness circling Jared’s eyes when he’s especially stressed and bone-dry tired.
Jensen thinks it’s not so bad this way, though. There isn’t much he won’t do to make sure he’s available for every moment Jared has when he’s here out East, because he can’t help himself, really. Tells himself it’s high-quality client service (and Jared continues to be one of his best pays), and he ignores that there’s more to it than that.
“If that’s allowed,” Jared murmurs, bringing his question back to the surface. Except his voice is tense, the set of jaw, too.
Jensen rolls his head on the pillow to look at him. “It’s allowed,” he says quietly to maintain the quiet of their conversation. He squeezes Jared’s hand, willing him to look over so they can share a small smile. “I just didn’t think you ever wanted to.”
The way Jared whispers I do hits Jensen deep in the chest. As if he wasn’t used to that dropped-gut emotion whenever this close to Jared’s heart, but here he is. Still shocked by the power of Jared’s few words.
Truth be told, Jensen always assumed Jared needed to hide away with his secrets … of his sexuality, of Jensen, and of their time together. And Jensen still does think so, yet the way Jared’s eyes gleam with hope tells Jensen more than he’d figured.
“Where do you want to go?” Jensen asks, a tiny bit of giddiness bubbling to the surface, making his cheeks strain with his barely-repressed smile.
“Anywhere,” Jared replies with the same excitement bursting through his awkward chuckle. “I’m just tired of being stuck inside, you know?” He turns his head back to look at the ceiling and Jensen can see the immediate switch from joyful daydreaming to tense realities in the lines of his face. “I spend half a day flying here, hours on end in conference rooms, then we’re locked up in here.” His mouth twitches for a moment and his thumb rubs over the top of Jensen’s hand. “Not that I mind it. The last part, I mean. I don’t mind being here with you.”
“I sure hope not,” Jensen replies, lightness coloring his joke.
Jared tucks his fingers tighter to Jensen’s and huffs a laugh. “Yeah, of course. Definitely don’t mind this.” Then he clears his throat, like he’s clearing a path through his conscience to speak honestly. “I just wish I could have more. Could be more. Out there. You know?”
Jensen can’t stop watching him as the words hit deep in his chest, even when Jared’s back to staring above and he only gets his profile in view. The slope of his nose, tiny dip between his lips, and the cut of his jaw are beauty to behold on their own. Put together for Jensen’s eyes only, in the stillness of their own quiet isolation, it’s a stunning mirage Jensen will run for in the driest of deserts, even when he knows the truth just beyond it.
The truth is that Jared Padalecki is seeking out the real thing and Jensen is incapable of fully giving it to him.
Doesn’t mean he won’t try …
*
On Jared’s next trip, Jensen waits for him in the lobby of the hotel. In messages leading up to this evening, Jared had talked about bringing an extra change of clothes for dinner. He even joked that he may need another checked bag, then went on to suggest something casual and easy, insisting he wasn’t trying to make it more than what he wanted: a simple night out.
Still, Jensen fusses with the edges of his button up, shirt tails hanging below his leather jacket, which feels heavy and hot indoors. Even though he’s surely worn this outfit a hundred times before, there’s something different hanging in the air as he waits. Like a teenager expecting his prom date to descend the stairs in their formal best, Jensen can’t stop fidgeting on the leather bench in the lobby waiting area, impatiently waiting for Jared. Every time the elevator dings, just out of sight with a simple torture of hell, Jensen looks over and he hates to know he’s counted at least a dozen people coming and going before Jared finally appears.
Jensen swallows thickly and immediately rises to his feet, pulling at his shirt and jacket again before shoving his hands into his pants pockets to stop from yanking at every edge of his outfit. He puts on a smile for Jared’s approach, easy and calm on the outside even when his heart hammers against his rib cage at the sight of Jared in a soft sweater and slim-cut jeans.
Their first meeting flashes in Jensen’s head. Jared had been exhausted in his rumpled shirt, nothing like the sight he makes now with gentle waves of his hair pushed behind his ears and a casual cool outfit, but Jensen thinks about the flurry of excitement he felt when he first laid eyes on this tall drink of water. If only they’d met any other place, looking just as they do now, Jensen thinks the last fourteen months would have been very different for the both of them.
It’s been so long since that kind of spark energized him and not for the first time, or the tenth, he regrets how that evening had gone down with Jared learning about Jensen’s side job.
“Hi,” Jared says on a breathy sigh, pulling Jensen from that night so long ago. Long before Jensen knew so much about Jared and found himself wanting to tug at every bit of emotion inside the man. “Sorry, I’m late. Our meeting ran long.”
Jensen nods, at a loss for what else to do, because his fingers are curling in his pockets with the want to slip forward and touch. He tells himself it’s to serve Jared and make this the grand event of date night, but he knows Jared is already scared as hell to be out in the open like this.
Somehow, Jensen is, too. It’s less about being present and more about feeling his chest crack open with need to let everything spill out, to lay himself out there for Jared. There’s great pain in the thought that he won’t, can’t, yet he knows it’s all that Jared would need to ease his own tension every day.
“Is everything okay?” Jared asks, pressing a hand to his stomach.
Jensen can see Jared’s fingers nervously digging into the fabric and, without thinking, reaches forward to pull the hand away and hold it with a reassuring squeeze. “Everything is great.” He nods to himself and takes a deep breath. “You look great.”
Jared flushes a bit, glancing away and biting the inside of his cheek, while clutching at Jensen’s fingers. “You, too. Like always.”
Looking for quick relief from the gravity between them, Jensen jokes, “I bet you say that to all the girls.”
There’s a sudden burst of energy around them as a group of folks pass them to check in at the front desk, all chattering and taking in the grand opulence of the bright lobby. Jared immediately drops Jensen’s hand and rubs over the sides of his legs. “Okay, well, I dunno about you, but I’m hungry.”
“Starving,” Jensen insists with a chuckle. He tucks away the nerves, along with the bright heat brewing beneath the surface, and turns up his persona to ease them into a simple night of dinner a few blocks over. “I could go for some red meat, how about you?”
“Always up for meat,” Jared laughs as they head out the front door. “I mean, not like that, but yeah. I’ve been daydreaming about steak and potatoes all day.”
“A man after my own heart.” Jensen smirks and steps in alongside Jared when they turn right and take in the cool night air.
The way Jared tips his head up towards the sky and breathes deep tells Jensen that Jared needed this escape, the necessary chance to shake off the strain of shoulders held rigid for days on end, maybe weeks, really, since they last saw each other. Jared glances over and his face is pink from the crisp air and his eyes are wide and brilliant, like he’s high on the possibilities ahead of them. “Thanks for setting this up. I’ve just been so busy, I haven’t had a chance to think about it much.”
“Of course. And I’ve heard only good things from this steakhouse, so it’s a bonus for me, too,” Jensen insists warmly, a hand going to Jared’s back and soothing circles between his shoulders.
Jared seems to flinch at the touch, muscles tightening, until he lightly coughs and sucks in a long, deep breath. “Sorry,” he murmurs.
Jensen holds both hands up in apology. “No sorry needed. I’ll just follow your lead.”
With a quick nod, Jared thanks him and now seems like he’s shrinking back into himself with worry of being away from the safety of the hotel suite. He’s quiet, too, for the next block, eyebrows furrowing and mouth pinched. Suddenly, he looks up and down both sides of the street, slowing his feet, and clearing his throat.
Jensen’s quick to offer, “Hey, if you want to head back,“ only to be cut off when Jared pulls on his elbow so they both escape into an alley.
They’re just a few feet in from the sidewalk, but it must be enough for Jared because he has no delay in bringing Jensen against the brick of the adjacent building, holding Jensen’s face, and sliding in for a kiss.
The moment freezes for Jensen, his mind slow to respond as the surprise ices his veins. Then Jared’s hard body pressed up against his heats everything again and he reaches up to hold Jared’s arms, fingers creeping up to curl around the bend of Jared’s shoulders as he opens his mouth to all that Jared wants to take from him.
It’s heady and quick as Jared dives into Jensen’s mouth and kisses deeply, wet noises echoing in the quiet of the alley. Then it’s over just as soon as it started when Jared pushes himself away, breathing so hard his chest is rising and falling with great effort.
“I’m sorry,” Jared mumbles. He smooths hair away from his face and refuses to look Jensen in the eye.
Jensen pushes off from the wall, stalling when Jared takes a few steps back. “Hey, I told you. There’s no sorry here.” After a beat, he adds, “Especially when I like it.”
Jared licks his bottom lip and turns away with a tight smile. “I just feel so …” His hands come up in tight fists and he sucks in a harsh breath. “Like I just want to break out or something, but it’s all so …”
“It’s okay, I get it,” Jensen offers, because he can read it so clearly in the tight, anxious lines of Jared’s face.
“Do you, though?” Jared looks right at him, eyes no longer bright and open. Now he just appears withdrawn and sad, a look Jensen has seen on a few occasions when Jared is particularly tense about his life and hiding away in the hotel. “You get to go do anything you want with no repercussions. You just go through the motions and get to live your life however you want.”
It stings to think Jared doesn’t recognize the kind of mental Olympics Jensen runs through to be able to do what he does with who he does. Let alone with Jared, where his own emotions creep up, just waiting to escape. Sure, he can compartmentalize his two jobs and stay detached from all the other men he serves, but there are more obstacles to overcome to keep this (mostly) professional between them.
Jensen shakes his head and tries to get back on point, wrenching out of these spiraling sensations. For Jared, and himself. “We can just go back to the hotel if that will-“
“No!” Jared nearly shouts. He holds still and puts his arms out at his sides, breathing heavily, likely trying to steady himself. “No, that wasn’t the point of all this stress. Why get all worked up then not even go? I just have to get my shit together,” he complains, ending with a high laugh, as if he’s about to turn absolutely delirious with how upset he’s become.
Nodding, Jensen grants him the time and space to settle down. Thankfully, it doesn’t take long until Jared quickly runs hands through his hair and marches out of the alley with Jensen hurrying to catch up.
“Just gotta go, right?” Jared mumbles. “Once we’re there, it’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.”
Jensen nods again in an attempt to comfort Jared, and it seems to work. For a few seconds, at least, until they reach the entrance to the restaurant and Jared freezes in place. Jensen glances between Jared and the door, where a handful of businessmen are heading in, then suddenly stopping with one of them calling out, “Hey, Padalecki! Change your mind for dinner?”
Five sets of eyes turn to them and Jensen clenches his jaw against the onslaught of fear in Jared’s frozen face and his inability to react. Jensen, too, is immobile as these guys, obviously Jared’s coworkers, all start working their magic on Jared.
“Come on in, Jared. We’ll get you in on our reservation.”
“Yeah, you never come eat with us anymore!”
“Work can wait until later. There’s always later.”
“Unless you’ve got other dinner plans.”
“Who’s your friend?”
They’re laughing and ribbing Jared, and suddenly aware of Jensen’s presence, closely watching the both of them. Jared barely moves except to glance at Jensen with his jaw stiff and eyes narrowed.
Jensen, drumming up all the professionalism of being a discreet escort, manages to smile easily and offer them a quick wave. “We go way back. College buddies.”
That seems to placate them and they’re suddenly happy to hear more, rattling on about how they know next to nothing about Jared, he’s just so private, ya know?, let alone that he had family out this way, and how amazing to have this kind of convenience so that Jared can visit them when he’s in town on a regular basis.
Jared continues to be motionless, petrified in place like a tree that’s been rooted in the ground for decades. Jensen’s heart breaks at the sight, but does his best to school his reactions into something more reasonable and nod with the guys offering to make room for the both of them tonight. “That’s really kind of you-“
“No big deal!” one persists, gesturing into the door he’s pulling open. “Any friend of Jared is a friend of ours.”
Jensen chuckles, trying like hell to keep the awkwardness out of it, then waves them off. “Wish we could but we’re meeting my fiancée for dinner.” He hopes the casual mention of fiancée turns the men away from any other suspicions. Continuing to sell it, he motions beyond them and sees the bright lights of a restaurant further down the block. “She loves Italian,” he jokes, “but hates when I’m late. Maybe next time.” Then he nods at Jared, who suddenly has the will to move and offers a strained apology with their exit.
They’re completely silent as they head towards the red, white, and green marquee ahead and continue to remain quiet as Jared passes it to take the next quick turn and head right back to the hotel.
*
Back in the suite, Jensen pours them drinks as Jared heads into the bedroom without a word. He takes a healthy sip of his own and waits, somehow not surprised that he’s stuck in place for a bit.
After some time, he calls for Jared and slowly makes his way to the bedroom. That’s when he hears the rush of water start up in the shower and he drains the rest of his drink before going back to the kitchenette to pour another.
Once in the bathroom, Jensen sets both glasses on the sink and watches Jared on the other side of the foggy shower glass. His stomach sinks at the defeat in Jared’s shoulders as the shower pours over Jared’s head and neck, elbows coming up to rest on the tile and his head falling forward to the cross of his wrists.
Jensen has long admired the tight lines of Jared’s body, the curve and bend of muscles on display when he’s stark naked in bed, and how much strength he must carry in each limb. Now, however, that tall frame shrinks into itself as Jared leans on the wall with agonizing defeat.
They were so close, just a few footsteps away from granting Jared joy for the evening. Jensen’s kicking himself for not taking them further from the hotel, for not considering the need to be as far away as possible from anything tied to Jared’s life. At the same time, he feels himself drawn to Jared, wanting to be as close as possible with care and comfort, so he undresses and steps into the shower behind Jared.
Now that they’re cocooned in their safe space of the hotel suite, he reaches up to touch, palms drawing down Jared’s back, along his sides, and up his stomach and chest. Jensen leans into him and sets his forehead to the curve of Jared’s back, feels the warm water pour down their bodies. He kisses between Jared’s shoulder blades and drags his lips down Jared’s spine before moving right back up and pressing himself against Jared’s back.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen whispers, needing to say it, yet afraid to break the quiet thickness between them.
“No need for sorry,” Jared replies, repeating Jensen’s earlier words.
It should alleviate the situation, but it doesn’t, because Jensen can’t stop the force of guilt and responsibility for Jared’s feelings tonight. Their brief time in that alley was enough to show that Jared was far too worked up about being seen in public together, not to mention how quickly he froze when they ran into his coworkers and had been unable to work his way out of it without Jensen’s quick thinking.
As if he’s reliving that exact moment, Jared sighs and asks, “You have to do that a lot? Talk your way out of being spotted with a client?”
Jensen knows Jared hates hearing about what happens all the other days of his month. As much as he’d hate to ignore Jared, especially when he’s this tore up, there’s no way Jensen will add more salt to his wounds. Instead, he leaves an open-mouthed kiss on Jared’s shoulder and keeps his mouth there, feeling the tremble of Jared’s skin under the heat of the shower.
“You were smooth about it.” Jared laughs cruelly. “Fiancée … almost shocked me as much as …”
He nods against Jared’s shoulder and holds tighter around his chest.
Jared brings a hand down to hold over Jensen’s, pressing it against him. His voice is gravel rough when he admits, “I can’t do that again.”
Jensen again kisses his skin. “We have everything we need here,” comes out of his mouth before he can consider just how true those words are.
Threading their fingers together, Jared trails Jensen’s hand down and around his dick. In contrast to the tightness of Jared’s strained muscles, it’s limp in Jensen’s hold, but he’s determined to change that as he squeezes and pulls their hands to the tip. Jensen closes his eyes and rests his forehead to the center of Jared’s back as he strokes Jared’s cock. He listens to the catch of Jared’s breathy noises and tugs faster, feeling Jared growing harder and his hips shallowly rocking into Jensen’s fist.
Jared pants against the shower wall when Jensen fists him around the base and reaches down with his other hand to finger at his balls. He gets a few more tugs going before Jared stands up straight and pulls Jensen’s hand away. His eyes are wild and dark when he turns around to face him, shuts off the water, then leads them both to bed.
They make a wet mess of the blankets when Jared stretches him out face down and gets to work with lube and deft fingers to press inside Jensen. He’s still panting as he reaches deep and presses a second finger in, while leaning in to mouth along Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen hitches his hips back in time with Jared’s fingers, moans and writhes on the sheets, but it’s not a show. He feels it all deep in his gut when Jared breathlessly kisses at his neck and urges his fingers in and out with slow, steady strokes. Jensen brings his hand up to the back of Jared’s head, fingers twirling around strands of hair to keep Jared close, and he’s whimpering and biting his lips as Jared gets a third finger in and holds steady.
Jared kisses his way up to Jensen’s ear and cheek, finally twisting his way over to take Jensen’s mouth in a deep and heady kiss with his fingers still pushed in tight. “Are you ready?” he whispers, and Jensen smiles against his lips.
“Always, for you,” Jensen returns as quietly. He holds his breath as Jared withdraws his fingers and the crackling of the condom wrapper echoes loudly.
Then Jared lines up with the head of his cock stretching Jensen wide. His arm covers Jensen’s, fingers curling together in the sheets, and he slides further in, inch by inch, until Jensen’s jaw clenches and he groans from deep in his chest with his body spreading for Jared. Jared slides his other arm beneath Jensen and holds him tight just before pulling back and sliding back in.
Jensen is kept in place with Jared blanketing him, squeezing tight around him, and he lets himself melt into the bed as Jared fucks him. Over the months, there have been plenty of variances in what they do and how, but there’s something different here with Jared’s embrace and the deliberate way he slides in and out, like he’s taking his time yet can’t hold back the intensity of his hips snapping forward when he bottoms out. Jensen feels it when Jared’s body pushes against him and holds deep, when Jared’s fingers twist with his, and when Jared presses his temple to Jensen’s and pants hot and wet against his cheek.
And he can feel the way Jared’s hips stutter every so often before he slows down and finds the rhythm again. Jensen finds himself doing all he can to fuck himself back on Jared’s cock and give as good as he’s getting, to fall into the urging lust breaking all around them. He thinks maybe this is a little like love, to be tied up together so closely and need to have Jared sense it as deeply as Jensen does.
Jared must, because he begins to moan dark and pained as he shoves harder into Jensen and tucks his head against Jensen’s neck. Feeding off Jared’s needy sounds, Jensen stretches his legs wider so Jared can settle in tighter and fuck his way right through his orgasm while tucked as close as he needs.
Once Jared has his wits about him, he slides out and turns them to their sides, getting his hand on Jensen’s cock. He pulls quick and dirty, but Jensen doesn’t mind because he’s been dying to be touched since they got into bed. Again, Jensen lets himself be wrapped up in Jared’s embrace as Jared jacks him off, his warm breath in Jensen’s ear egging him on to come. With Jared’s quickening hand, Jensen’s getting close as his blood runs hot and quick through his body. Sweat breaks out on his skin and his stomach tightens with the pressure, then he’s shaking as he comes, shouting with his mouth dropped wide and Jared fisting him through it.
Jensen’s the one panting heavy and broken now and Jared settles in behind him with his palm running up the center of Jensen’s chest. Jared pulls him in tight and Jensen goes with it, being tucked into Jared’s arms.
Just as Jensen’s eyes are dropping closed, Jared chances to ask, “Can you stay?”
It’s a known question for the two of them, and no matter the pain of having a day job to answer for in the morning, Jensen always finds himself answering, “Yeah.”
There’s a long pause and Jared goes one step further. “Will you?”
Jensen opens his eyes for a moment, his breath catching as his mind races with what all to say. A million ways to say yes rush around until he simply repeats, “Yeah.”
Jared holds tighter and kisses the back of his head, and Jensen closes his eyes again.
I want to, he thinks, but the words die in the back of his throat.
Maybe one day, Jensen will say it. And maybe he’ll be able to stay for more than just the night.